It's like you're in a chorus line and you're wearing a gas mask.
But then you realize you're the only one wearing the gas mask.
And you're doing the moves backward from every, single other person in the room.
Keep that up for an hour!
I have never felt as graceless as I did around 6:30 Friday evening. Maybe. I don't know. It makes my Top Five Most Hopelessly Clumsy Moments, at least...along with that time I spilled two giant blueberry smoothies right outside the smoothie shop's door...or once at a funeral when...well, nevermind this Top Five stuff, it's embarrassing, let's stop talking about this list, guys, why did you bring up the list?
There was something about it reminiscent of a little kid imitating an adult. Like, imagine a five-year-old girl in a grownup's dress, giant high heels, and a huge, floppy hat, watching her mother put on makeup and mimicking her motions by pretending to smear crayon on her eyelids. That's how I felt. Maybe next time I should just get some exercise clothes and leave the 64-pack of Crayolas at home. They didn't come in as handy as I expected.
It seems I have even less rhythm than I had previously thought, which is interesting, because that means I actually have rhythm in negative quantities. I should be studied by scientists. They'd put me in a room of two-way mirrors, turn on "Groove Is in the Heart," and observe as I did that self-conscious bob that gawky teens do at indie shows. I'd just stand there looking around and blinking a lot when "The Time Warp" started (and the instructions for the dance are IN THE SONG). By the time they got to "Vogue," I'd just find a place to sit down and start playing with my phone.
The main problem may have been that I was so focused on figuring out the right moves that I kept getting mixed up and would find myself just standing there, laughing and shaking my head, waiting for a recognizable place to jump in. I know that's not the point, but I had to keep reminding myself that. Also, I didn't know any of the songs and couldn't anticipate what was going to happen next. Also also, I am physically incapable of performing dance steps that involve the pelvic thrust, in a room full of other people or alone.
On the plus side, the hour flew by, my fears of getting dizzy or throwing up went unrealized, and the friend who brought me was nice and encouraging and didn't point out once that I dance like a Velociraptor probably would. And I was in better shape than I thought! At least, that's how I felt until I woke up from a six-hour nap. I was so tired that I hadn't even manage to eat dinner before passing out.
But no matter. It was fun. I'd go again!
