This is the last day of my twenties.

This is the last day of my twenties. This is the last night of my twenties. I have less than an hour left. I've been thinking all day, "This is the last time I'll..." like it matters. I was pretty much fine until I was driving home while the sun was going down and thought, "This is the last sunset of my twenties. I'll never be in my twenties again." Then I came home feeling awful and couldn't really explain why to Adam. Even when I was very young, I was aware that the passing of time is sad and scary and utterly, hopelessly unstoppable.

I'm looking back across the years, wondering, did I feel this way when I turned twenty? I don't think so. I felt awful when I turned ten, though. What was the last song I listened to in my teens? What was the first song I listened to in my twenties? Did I make it a point to make it something special? Probably. It's something I would do. I was listening to my MP3 player on the way home from work tonight and just kept skipping to the next song. It has to be special, right? The last song of my twenties. The last song I will ever listen to in my twenties. I'll never be in my twenties again. Now I can't even remember what song I stopped it on. I'm going to ask Adam to turn on the player and put it on something random while I make it a point not to look, so I don't have to remember.

Someone told me everyone said he'd hate turning thirty, he'd hate his thirties, but then they were so much better than his twenties. I remember a movie saying that. I think it was Tiny Furniture. The main character's mom says that once your twenties are behind you, you start to realize how irrelevant they were, that life really starts in your thirties. That's nice to hear, since I'll never be in my twenties again.

I'll never be in my twenties again. How did this happen? I spent half the decade with Adam, half the decade with someone else (mostly). The cut there is sudden, deep, well-defined. Two different lifetimes, two different lives, two different girls. Girls. Can you still call yourself a girl when you're thirty? CAN you still call yourself a girl when you're thirty?

I'll never be in my twenties again. Never again. No matter how long I live, I will never, ever be in my twenties again. I just can't believe it.

Goodnight, from a girl in her twenties.